How To Pick Up Drunk Girls

The wonderful thing about drunk girls is that they will believe anything you tell them. You can tell them, "The earth is made of beef jerky," and they will believe you. You can tell them, "I am the heir to the throne of all the Russia," and they will believe you. You can tell them, "I am not really ugly. This is only a mask," and they will believe you. The only real trick to picking up drunken girls is not doing what offends them.

What Offends Drunk Girls

You really have to go to extremes to offend drunken girls. And the drunk a girl is, the more extreme you have to be. Nothing is certain, of course, but there is a pretty good chance that you will offend a drunken girl if you do any of the following things. So if you want to pick up a drunk girl, never:

1. Complain that the music is too loud, then try to plug your ears with her breasts.

2. Tell her that she reminds you of your ex-wife, "Rhinoceros-face".

3. Hold up a bar of soap and say, "I'd like to introduce you to something you've probably never tried before."

4. Tell her you love her because you've got a thing for girls with enormous feet.

5. Say you have an uncontrollable urge to be with her because you're having a fat attack.

Likewise, there are certain things which you can do which will enhance your chances of picking up drunken girls. You just have to know what drunken girls like.

What Drunk Girls Like

Drunken girls like to be dazzled by wit. They like to be flattered unmercifully, and they like to be engaged in inane conversation. So, the next time you want to pick up a drunken girl, walk up to her and say...

1. "Tonight we have a date with destiny, tomorrow we have a date with fate, the day after that I have to be out of town, but when I get back we have a date with history."

2. "Hey, what a terrific body. It reminds me of a beautiful automobile; great wheels, luxurious padding, spectacular headlights. Mind if I take it out for a spin?"

3. "If you're not doing anything later on, maybe we could go back to my place and name your breasts."

4. "I found this tongue lying on the floor. Is it yours?"

5. "You're a dirty person. I can tell."